Move beyond the barriers..feel the pleasure!
Few days back, I wrote an article “Physically Challenged; Sexually Challenging”. It was to bring the problem to the surface level, though already known but hidden under the dogmatic undercover of pseudo morality of our society.
So keeping the discussion on, let’s take the matter on to the next stage. We can see what all really can be done or what things have to be adopted or adapted.
Those who face disabilities since childhood have a different set of problems. They are mostly infantilized…taken care of like small children…so the family hardly sees them as sexual beings. The mother of an 18 year old disabled girl would never tell her that how she would look when she is a bride…or how she would take care of her kids, just like the mothers of all the other girls tell them. Turning a blind eye to the sexuality of disabled persons thus starts right from the families and such beliefs perpetuate to every nook and corner of the social thinking and perceptions.
What I believe, is that training and counseling the parents of a disabled child in this direction needs to be an integral part of the overall rehabilitation program. Families are a frame of reference of our personality. Values and thought processes of individual households have the capability to trickle into down in the society.
There are no two opinions that sexual functioning gets impaired due to disability. Even performing normal daily activities can prove to be difficult for the people with physical challenges. The people who have to spend hours and hours sitting at one place or on a wheelchair or those who walk with crutches and their lower bodies are unable to support their upper parts or those who lack visual orientation, can find the things very stressful. In such a scenario, their sexuality too can be affected. One might become apprehensive about one’s sexual prowess when half of the body isn’t “normal” according to the stereotypical standards. In case of amputees, limb loss makes the people feel that they have lost their sexuality too. There can be negative body image. In such cases, I believe, therapeutic interventions and counseling are must which would involve both mind and body. They have to be taught that loss of sensation does not mean loss of feelings.
The patients of spinal cord injury have there own complications regarding sexual relations. An individual’s sexual response would depend on the type of injury. This traumatic event may even sometimes affect a person to establish his sexual identity. To overcome these issues and to find some workable solutions for such problems collaboration or a team work among the fields of clinical psychology, sex therapy, rehabilitation, urology and obstetrics and gynaecology is must. A person has to shed all the hesitation and communicate with the therapists openly.
But one other major problem is the problem of loss of self esteem due to disability. One may even be hesitant to fantasize in the absence of self esteem and self confidence. Disability is likely to cause thin rib cage, lack of muscle tone, deformity in body; inability to wear attractive clothes etc. All this might become the cause of complexes. And comparisons established after seeing the non disabled can lead to jealousy and frustrations. There are numerous psychological hang-ups resulting from the obsession with perfect bodies in our culture.
But one thing I would to like to say to the people with disabilities, is not to forget 'feeling sensual and sexy has nothing to do with a perfect body'. Someone can fall in love with your gorgeous smile. Self confidence in a woman is the most attractive thing for a man, much more than a perfect body. Develop art of communication. Have brimming sense of humor and trust me, it can do miracles!!
While not much can be done to change the physical outlook but a lot can be achieved by changing the mental and emotional outlook. We can have control on our outlook and by changing the way we think, can do wonders. All that is needed is exploration! All that is required is to go ahead and find new ways to feel sexual. Major focus has to be laid on sensations of pleasure, no matter how momentary they are. And stress has to be laid not only on one’s own sensations but also on partner’s sensations too! Don’t feel ashamed to show the need for warmth and human touch. Touch has miraculous powers. A simple act of touching has the ability to stimulate and excite.
The problem of finding a partner is obviously there for the disabled persons. So build friendships. Try to socialize and let the world know there is much more in you beyond your disability. But never succumb to pressures. Keep your interest first. If uncomfortable, there is no harm in saying “goodbye” to such relationships. You are not a beggar. If someone doesn’t value your feelings, dump them, rather being dumped by any one. Have that fire in you, that aggression in you! Always remember you’re a valuable human being and your body is for your pleasure.
Abha Khetarpal
